Captured by Arsenal – Park Chu-Young

Lille chairman Michel Seydoux raps on a hotel bedroom door. He is in a fine mood. He is about to pillage the recently relegated Monaco for one of their star performers. And what’s best is that he is doing so for a pittance.

‘Park! Open the door.’ He yells (in French).

‘Park, we’ve got to start the second part of your medical. We’re due at the medical centre any minute now!’

After some banging and some more shouting, Seydoux goes and gets the concierge.

‘Open this door right this minute.’ He barks. Still in French. After all, we are in France.

‘But sir, this room belongs to Mr Park Chu-Young’ whimpers the nervous hotel employee.

‘Who do you think paid for the room you imbecile? That’s right, it was us. Now open it before I ‘it you with something ‘arrrd.’

Reluctantly, the concierge opens the door. Seydoux peers into the room.

It’s empty.

Slowly and cautiously, he enters the room. The Lille OSC protection team follow him in, side arms drawn. The room is empty, but there is a note left on the bed.

‘PARK CHU-YOUNG IS OUR PLAYER NOW. HAHAHAHAHAHA. A.W.

Seydoux drops to his knees. He screams up to the heavens.

‘Nooooooooooooooon.’

Meanwhile at Arsenal’s state-of-the-art complex for evil footballers in Colney, London: Wenger removes the cable ties from his captive’s wrists and the blind fold from his eyes.

‘It is time for you to take the bleep test.’ He pauses, more for effect than anything.

‘And should you fail I have instructed my henchmen Frimpong and Song Bilong to strap you to a goal post and tackle you from behind until they have broken your legs. HAHAHAHAHA.’

Park Chu-Young blinks in the harsh light and gulps. He knows he has no other choice. He must complete the bleep test, because should he fail, he may never be released by his new captors.

Wenger laughs in his face

‘Ha, we have you now Monsieur. I have needed a much publicised kidnapping victim since that pesky Francesc Fabregas escaped my evil clutches and returned to his family in Barcelona.’

He spits on the floor.

Pat Rice appears from nowhere

‘What’s the plan boss?’

‘The plan?’ Wenger cackles, with a look of relish in his eyes.

‘The plan is to turn Arsenal into the most evil club in the world!’

Welcome to Arsenal Park Chu-Young. We hope you enjoy your time here.

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